10,000 B.C.

10,000 BC is one of the corniest prehistoric epic flicks that I have ever seen, but I`ve seen quite a few other bloopers as well, in my time. Caveman with Ringo Starr comes to mind along with One Million BC with the rockin` Flintstones` bikini of Raquel Welch. 10,000 BC is racking up the customer count at the box office too, & this says something about peoples preferences for viewing. My guess would be a need for hollow entertainment with pretty good dinosaurs and Geico cavemen that get too much in the way of the action. The reading of 9 % on the tomatometer was shocking, I don`t believe I have ever seen such a low score! This boomeranged for me & caused me to go see it since I was curious about the disconnect between the large quantity of people who want to see it and the universal axing it`s got from the critics! What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger! Oddly, For some unknown reason (none of these could have been strong enough) I actually got in my truck & drove over to Southlake Meadows, `cuz I still had one more flick to burn off on a gift certicate. I should get the congressional medal of honor for braving this mirage of cottoncandy on the eye sockets! The special effects could not have been the draw since they were abysmal compared to say Ray Harryhausen who`s the all-time genius for dinosaur action figures come to life. The plot was one of the dumbest I have ever seen and the acting was double bogey tanker-takes that couldn`t even substitute for blooper-takes. The mamasita-shaman-medicine-woman draped in bone-beads was kind of a nice touch and the dread-lock-rastafarian-hunter-gatherers were out-a-time weirdoes with too much cake-make-up & crusty scabs & lice. Tony the saber-tooth tiger was too wimpy & didn`t devour hardly any cave-boy types. The hordes of woolie mammoths run about recklessly, but are dumb beyond belief & just fill the screen with hair and feet & tusks `til you think ya will upchuck your popcorn. Did anyone get the bit about the daddy splitting to found a new colony? I was having trouble putting that together too,…a with the Egyptian-like slave culture who were building those funky new pyramids, what did that have to do with diddlysquat? Half of the action takes place in white cold regions and half happens in hot tropical rainforest terain, & this is a good move in terms of contrast & composition. & what about that kinky ant-eater looking leader with the long claws of the New Civilization Cult? It was hard to tell what he was up to or where he came from. Was he maybe the hero`s dad? & that was weird the way the princess comes back to life after the shaman mama blows out that icy breath? I missed something…but will be able to review the chapters once the DVD comes out. It wasn`t really that violent, but I don`t know that it would be improved with more gratuitous killing…but maybe it would? It could have benefited from some meaner dinosaurs, like T-Rex, but I suppose they were extinct by 10,000BC. But why try to be accurate about the prehistoric timeline with this clunker? It doesn`t make sense but it don`t matter anyhows! Almost thirty-six million take home so far, this is the most important thing to remember at this point. I did love the costumes & make-up, the wild hairdos and grease paint galore and sandy thick cake makeup on their pusses. I will study the look again for next year`s Halloween costume. For the plot i`m wondering if they were looking at Homer or maybe retelling a story from the Old Testament, but it looks like the writers were covering their tracks pretty good. I know there was some Egyptian stuff in there, but the hieroglyphs were beyond my ken! One good thing is I`m considering putting the aforementioned titles with Ringo & Raquel to the top of my Netflix queue. I have to reconsider why this caveman thing is so appealing. Once I do that I can figure out the charms of 10,000 BC. Now that`s a stupid goal that will chew up lots of time! Oh well…I`m just that stupid I suppose. I do have a working theory as to why the caveman genre films are so popular. People want to think back to the way things were eons & thousands of years ago, & they like to channel how they would survive in the thick of things-wooly mammoths, four-legged crusaders, & dinosaurs of course. The dumber the producer makes the flick, the better the box-draw will be! That`s the formula & that Roland Emmerich knows that. In fact, if he made it series it would flop. A series loop would be 2001 A Space Odyssey, the beginning part. But this is not a pure caveman genre product, so it does not count. People want it to be corny so they can praise there own empty lives! Now you see it, don`t you? The worst the reviews, the better the draw too. This has an inverse function-formula on it that can make someone millions in receipts by recognizing the secret pattern. The pecking flamingoes are really obnoxious & this helps the movie too. The slave rebellion was cool & was kind of a Spartacus thing. The hero dude is a savior for the repressed cave-people on this bummer mission of building the city of gold or whatever it is? The theology here is illusive but one can vaguely comprehend multiple spirits at work here, but the mama mia-supremo gets it & reads the tea leaves with precision. I think everyone lives happily ever after in the end, but it`s a little hard to tell. Is that the impression that you got? Another epiphany I just had is this is Drive-In fodder, & that can translate into big bucks, but that type of outlet does not exist anymore! IE the Cinemarks of the world can absorb that business!